Closeted Shame

Oftentimes I try to ignore the feelings of shame and guilt I experience when it comes to my sexual identity. My bisexuality itself does not make me feel ashamed--while I can't say I'm "proud" of being bisexual (how can you have pride in something you have no control over?), I certainly am not ashamed of identifying as such.

My shame is primarily focused on the fact that I am "selectively closeted". This shame is only exacerbated by the underlying belief of many within the LGBTQ community that those who remain in the closet are at best doing a disservice to the community and at worst are actively traitorous. Indignation is ripe when one hears of a celebrity who everyone knows is gay "refuses" to come out. What good do closeted people do for the movement? 

I must admit I share this shame. I hear stories of persecution and violence perpetrated against LGBTQ individuals and a part of me shrinks within itself. How dare I not come out? How dare I not take a more open role in my community?

I was tormented for years, tossing these questions back and forth with the hope that eventually I would either muster up the courage to come out or just forget about the half of myself that wasn't straight. After all, I, who appeared to everyone to be a typical White straight girl, had never experienced any oppression because of my sexual orientation. How could I understand the struggles of openly LGBTQ individuals?

After this period of anguish and shame, I came to a sudden realization. The very fact that I wasn't out was the most basic form of oppression there was. I was so afraid of disclosing my orientation to the world that I hid from most a very important aspect of my identity. That part of my identity was erased--made invisible to the point that even I questioned its reality. To others, I lived my life as a straight, White, educated female. I suppose I internalized these perceptions--who was I to say I was bisexual?--when in reality, my own reality was my truth. 

This knowledge brought with it a kind of peace, an internal parlay. Much of this shame (but not all) was quieted following this realization, and I began to more actively discuss my bisexuality with a few close friends. My research intensified as well, as did my convictions that biphobia and monosexism were dominant features of both straight and gay communities. The very fact that Microsoft Word doesn't know that "biphobia" and "monosexism" are words is evidence enough of the forced invisibility of bisexuals. 

No, I am not "out". But being halfway (or completely) in the closet isn't by choice, because choice with coercion isn't choice at all.