The Struggle with Gendered Binaries

I volunteer at an LGBTQ resource center and one of the things that's emphasized is the use of non-binary gender pronouns (or just not using pronouns at all). The other day a transwoman who had not yet transitioned came up to the desk to check in for an appointment. A coworker called back to the department where the appointment was and told the person on the other line that he would send "her" back to the waiting area. The client quickly corrected him, and he apologized. I was indignant--it was clear that the client was in the process of transitioning. My righteous indignation was quelled somewhat when I used a gendered pronoun myself later in the day to describe another client.

The MRA Nightmare

There are few things I hate more than Men's Rights Activists. I know that hate is a strong word, which is why I'm using it here. The Southern Poverty Law Center classifies them as a hate group, and rightly so. I fucking hate reading their bullshit comments on every pro-woman post across the web. And by fucking hate I mean FUCKING HATE. They are no different than White supremacists except in the target of their hate. Their comments legitimately make me sick to my stomach and make me question my existence in this society. I don't know whether to scream with anger or sob with despair. I can only hope society will continue along its current trajectory and will finally recognize the (sometimes insidious) power of these "activists" and the horrific consequences of their rhetoric (e.g., the shootings in Isla Vista).

"The T Doesn't Matter, and the B Doesn't Exist"

One quote I really like that I found somewhere on the internet by a Facebook user was this:
"Within the LGBT community, the T doesn't matter and the B doesn't exist."
I absolutely love that quote. There's a huge discrepancy between what the LGBTQ community claims to be and what it really is. I'm still a huge supporter of the whole movement and its general mission--what I'm not a fan of is the hate and lack of acceptance within the community between the individual letters.

When It's Your Own

     The daughter of a family friend of ours came out as gay last year and has been with her girlfriend for a few years I think. Her family is very conservative/fundamentalist Christian and I guess her mom told mine that she still loved her daughter but was devastated that she wouldn't be able to spend the afterlife with her. How horrifying. They were talking today and my mom told me how she feels sorry for this girl's mom because she's really struggling with it, while the father just ignores the situation completely.
I understand that it must be hard for the mother as well, but that poor girl. She moved states away from home after college and I can see why. How must it feel to know that your orientation will never be accepted by your family? What happens if they decide to get married? The dad won't be able ignore it any more.
     I am afraid of coming out because of my friends'/acquaintances' reactions, even if they're not overt. But my biggest fear is coming out to my family. I think being bi might make it even more complicated than being gay. I've tried before, to my mom, but she pretty much told me she thought I might be confused (there it is again) about romantic feelings versus friendship feelings for women. I ended up just agreeing with her and that was that. It's one thing to be supportive of LGBTQ marriage and rights (as both my parents are), and another to have your own child come out, I'm sure. My parents attended a lesbian wedding a year or two ago, and my dad said he had a slight reaction when they kissed. An uncomfortable feeling, I guess. I was happy he was able to admit it, but it left me really depressed and hurt. If I ever marry a woman, I know my dad will have that same feeling when I kiss my wife. That hurts so much.

Biphobia in Action

I've been scrolling through the comments on this article and they've left me feeling physically sick. I don't understand the hate that some people have, truly.

"If she's monogamous, I guess that makes her a previous bisexual. But she seems to like the attention though, she can't seem to give that up."

"So, what she didn't say was whether or not she is a happily married bisexual monogamous faithful wife and mother."

"How is it possible to be both in a monogamous relationship and currently bisexual?"

"i.e. 'confused'. lol."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/11/anna-paquin-bisexual-mother_n_5484365.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

ARGH!!!!!

We All "Really" Like Men

I'm reading a book called Bi: Notes For A Bisexual Revolution by Shiri Eisner. It's taking me a long time because I can't really read it in front of others without getting asked things I'm not comfortable answering.
It's made me think about and feel things I never have before. One of the points I bookmarked had to do with assumptions hetero/homosexual people make about bisexuals; mainly, that bisexual women are presumed to be "really" straight, and bisexual men are presumed to be "really" gay. She pointed out the fact that, either way, the individual is assumed to be attracted solely to men, and goes on to give a spiel about phallocentrism and how even the LGBTQ community isn't immune from it.

Closeted Shame

Oftentimes I try to ignore the feelings of shame and guilt I experience when it comes to my sexual identity. My bisexuality itself does not make me feel ashamed--while I can't say I'm "proud" of being bisexual (how can you have pride in something you have no control over?), I certainly am not ashamed of identifying as such.

My shame is primarily focused on the fact that I am "selectively closeted". This shame is only exacerbated by the underlying belief of many within the LGBTQ community that those who remain in the closet are at best doing a disservice to the community and at worst are actively traitorous. Indignation is ripe when one hears of a celebrity who everyone knows is gay "refuses" to come out. What good do closeted people do for the movement? 

I must admit I share this shame. I hear stories of persecution and violence perpetrated against LGBTQ individuals and a part of me shrinks within itself. How dare I not come out? How dare I not take a more open role in my community?

I was tormented for years, tossing these questions back and forth with the hope that eventually I would either muster up the courage to come out or just forget about the half of myself that wasn't straight. After all, I, who appeared to everyone to be a typical White straight girl, had never experienced any oppression because of my sexual orientation. How could I understand the struggles of openly LGBTQ individuals?

After this period of anguish and shame, I came to a sudden realization. The very fact that I wasn't out was the most basic form of oppression there was. I was so afraid of disclosing my orientation to the world that I hid from most a very important aspect of my identity. That part of my identity was erased--made invisible to the point that even I questioned its reality. To others, I lived my life as a straight, White, educated female. I suppose I internalized these perceptions--who was I to say I was bisexual?--when in reality, my own reality was my truth. 

This knowledge brought with it a kind of peace, an internal parlay. Much of this shame (but not all) was quieted following this realization, and I began to more actively discuss my bisexuality with a few close friends. My research intensified as well, as did my convictions that biphobia and monosexism were dominant features of both straight and gay communities. The very fact that Microsoft Word doesn't know that "biphobia" and "monosexism" are words is evidence enough of the forced invisibility of bisexuals. 

No, I am not "out". But being halfway (or completely) in the closet isn't by choice, because choice with coercion isn't choice at all.